alt.politics.bush

Giuliani looks more dopey than Ross Perot. Whose hair would win: Romney
or Edwards? Lockable looks like Elmer Fudd. McCain or Romney won the
debate.


Sunday's GOP Debate: Informed Punditry Is, Like, So Passe. What Actual
Voters See When They Watch.
Monday, October 22, 2007 10:11 AM

By Andrew Romano

Last night's Republican debate from Florida was a rousing display,
wasn't it? Romney attacked Giuliani. McCain attacked Romney. Everyone
attacked Hillary. Huckabee said the word "Aerosmith." Influential
reporters live-blogged the festivities. Major media outlets rated the
performances from A to F. And experts gathered on cable news to declare
who won, who lost and What It All Means ®—on and on into the night.

Oh, wait—by "rousing" I mean totally "run-of-the-mill." Which is why
Stumper last night boldly ignored the experts and instead assembled a
panel of people with, um, no expertise whatsoever. They included V., 27,
an entertainment reporter; J., 23, a literary-review staffer; and D.,
24, a public-school teacher. All three were women; all three were (and
are) undecided; and, like most Americans, all three are paying little
attention to the 2008 presidential race at this point. Last night was
their first debate of the cycle. Over green-chile enchiladas, they
watched and weighed in. The pundits may obsess over Thompson's social
security plan or Romney's new healthcare approach, but for actual,
apolitical voters, these debates are all about "getting a feel" for the
candidates. Some first impressions:

Real Conservatives: After moderator Brit Hume spent the first 20 minutes
of the debate asking each candidate, "Are you the most conservative?,"
the panel started to fume. "He's not asking about specific issues," said
D. "It's not about anything."

"A Democratic debate would never be about who is more liberal," said J.
"It's funny that it's considered a virtue to never have swayed, even if
being flexible could help you make good decisions."

I mentioned that social conservatives are uncomfortable with the top GOP
candidates: a Mormon, a pro-choice mayor, a Hollywood actor and a
maverick senator. "But it just seems so immature and faux-macho," J.
added. "You could replace the word 'conservative' with the word
'man'—or, like, 'possessor of a big penis.'"

Reagan vs. Clinton: The big question last night: Do Republicans love
Ronald Reagan more than they hate Hillary Clinton?

The answer: a resounding no, as Hillary racked up 34 shout-outs to
Reagan's paltry 10. D. was quick to mock the overwrought hatred of all
things Hillary. "No! Kill her!" she said when Romney asked if anyone
would vote for Clinton. "We'll die! Kill her before she kills us! It's
like a witch hunt or something. They should have pitchforks and torches."

A few "Hillary Clintons" later, V. spoke up. "Okay, I get it. Reagan
means positive, Hillary means negative," she said. "She's a noun, she's
a verb, she's an adjective. But why are they just attacking Hillary and
no one else?"

"It makes sense," said D. "So this debate is all about who has the
biggest penis, right? 'Well, Hillary Clinton doesn't, I can tell you
that. She has the smallest penis ever. And Ronald Reagan has the biggest.'"

Giuliani: As New Yorkers, the panel bristled when Giuliani used New York
to boast of his accomplishments—and then mocked its residents. "I did
210 weddings when I was mayor," he said. "They were all men and women. I
hope. You got to give me a little slack here. It was New York City, you
know."

"Transvestites?" said V. "I thought he cleaned up New York."

Paul: "He looks even more dopey than Ross Perot," said V. "The tie's bad."

D.: "He looks like Barney Fife."

J.: "Actually, you know who he looks like? Elmer Fudd."

V:. "I'd say Barney from the Andy Griffith Show meets Mr. Roper from
Three's Company."

D.: "Mr. Roper from Three's Company also hates gays!"

Romney: Most of the discussion focused on Romney's "presidential" looks.
"Most of these people are ghastly looking," said V. when the candidates
first appeared on camera. "But Romney is really handsome. He has really
good hair."

"If Romney's hair was running against John Edwards's hair, which hair
would win?" asked J. The field was split: two for Edwards and two
(including me) for Romney.
Tancredo: No breakthrough moments for Tom—to put it mildly. "When he
turns in profile his nose is very cartoony," said D. An hour later, I
asked the panel to identify the Colorado congressman. "I don't know,"
said V. No one else could help her.

Huckabee: "He looks a little like Elmer Fudd, too," said V.

D.: "And those ears."

V.: "Polka dots, those are an interesting choice for a tie."

D: "Matches the screen behind him."

The media has a real soft spot for Huckabee, I said. He's funny,
well-spoken, seems reasonable.

"Well," said V. "You also have a soft spot for Elmer Fudd."

"He's likable, but you're ultimately not sure he's going to win," said D.

McCain: The panel docked McCain some style points. "Did someone shrink
his head?," said D. "Is he on tranquilizers? He's so calm he's hard to
listen to."

"It looks like there are golf balls in each jowl," said J.

But they agreed that the Arizona senator delivered the line of the
night. "I'm sure [Woodstock] was a cultural and pharmaceutical event,"
he said, winking as he lambasted Clinton for supporting the creation of
a Woodstock museum. "I was tied up at the time"—as a POW in the Hanoi
Hilton.

"That's good," said V. "McCain is closer to someone I'd vote for. A
little more logical. A little more center." I asked D. if she'd support
the creation of a Woodstock museum. "No," she said. "But I do like a
president who can wink."

The Winner: "McCain," said V.

"McCain or Romney," said D. "Romney has more of a presence. You listen
to him when he's talking. The other ones I just want to talk over."

The Loser: "The old guy with the dopey voice," said D.

Ron Paul?

"Yeah, him."